Mitch Hedberg: Don't Have a Girlfriend
I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
Nick Kroll: Same Perfume
My mother and my girlfriend are wearing the same perfume, which is weird because, all of a sudden, I'm attracted to my girlfriend.
T.J. Miller: Holding a Baby
This woman wouldn't let me hold her baby the other day because she said I was too drunk. First of all, don't bring your baby into the bar. And second of all, if I'm drinking malt liquor on a playground, I call that a bar.
Dov Davidoff: Starbucks Service
I said, 'That's the wrong drink.' And he said, 'Sorry, dude, I'm tired.' And I was like, 'Have a frickin' coffee, man. That's why I'm here.'
Tony Roberts: Old Grandmother
My grandmother is older than the word 'supper.'
Owen Smith: Born in the Bahamas
I was born in the Bahamas -- Nassau, Bahamas. Yeah, came to the United States when I was one because I needed work.
Anthony Jeselnik: Better Man
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person -- so I can get a better girlfriend.
Kristen Schaal: Werewolf to the Moon
If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?
Pete Holmes: The Museum
I don't care about the museum, I only care that people think I'm the kind of guy who goes to museums.
Julian McCullough: Male Cleaning Schedule
I used to live with five straight guys and -- ew, the cleaning schedule was 'nope.'
Amy Schumer: Blackout Drunk
Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'
JB Smoove: Sound System
I did a club one night -- the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white.
Gabriel Iglesias: Looking for a Pregnancy Test
I don't even have a clue as to where to find a pregnancy test. I'm looking at all the aisles -- they don't have one that says 'oops.'
Jeffrey Ross: Sexually Transmitted
Wouldn't it be great if our bodies were designed so that instead of bad things, good things could be transmitted through sex? Like skills. 'Oh baby, I'm gonna do you 'til you can juggle.' 'Oh my God, don't stop 'til I'm a carpenter, computer programming, air conditioner refrigeration, auto mechanic -- whatever the hell Sally Struthers says in that commercial.' 'How was your date last night? You get lucky?' 'I think my resume speaks for itself.'
Jim Gaffigan: Lost Remote
You ever look for the remote control, you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, it looks like I'm not watching TV.'
Rickey Smiley: White Church
I joined a white church because white people get out on time.
Jo Koy: Three-Year-Old Son
I've got a three-year-old son. It's like living with a crazy midget.
Corey Holcomb: Break-Up House
I guarantee, you're gonna have to get out of your house. I know it's your house and you bought it, but what you don't realize is that's her house, and she's basically letting you live there while things are going OK.
Chelsea Handler: AA Meetings
Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics -- I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.
Kevin Hart: When You Lost a Fight to Your Woman
One time, she got me so mad, we got into a fist fight. You know how you know when you lost a fight to your woman? When the cops come to your house and ask you do you want to press charges. That's how you know it didn't go as you planned.
Tom Papa: Guy in a Speedo
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you.
Chelsea Peretti: Getting Attacked
I always think, what would I do if someone tried to get me? My first thought is just something dumb, like I'd try to pick my nose and just be gross. In my mind a rapist is just some white hat frat boy who'd just be like, 'Ugh nasty, forget it. Learn some manners.'
Shane Mauss: Girlfriend Strip Club
I told Maggie I wanted to go to a strip club. She said this to me, she goes, 'What do you want to go to a strip club for? I'll strip for you.' I was like, 'How great is that? I guess I'll just tell my friends to come over here.'
Chris Rock: Natural Causes
When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, its natural causes. Cause if you was younger, you'd got out of the way.
Kirk Fox: Defibrillator
You've got seconds to live, and whoever invented this thing gave it five syllables. Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of a rush job? ... Shouldn't they at least call it defibrillnow?
Natasha Leggero: Male Comics
Male comics are always coming up to me, and they're like, 'Hey, Natasha, don't you think you're a little attractive to be a comedian?' And I'm like, 'Don't you think you're a little ugly to be talking to me?'
Chelsea Handler: Is It OK?
I have a question. Do you guys think it's OK to drink while you're pregnant if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?
Kurt Metzger: Mayan Calendar and 2012
Why would they know the end of the world? They didn't have any pants. Did you know that? They didn't have the invention of pants. You think you can crack the secrets of the universe but not the secret of pockets? They just made a lot of calendars and they never said it's the end of the world -- goofy white people made that up.
Jacob Sirof: New Year's Baby
We had our first two years ago -- on New Year's Eve. That's a rockin' birthday. Kind of f**ks any New Year's plans I might have had for the rest of my life, but whatever, kids can be selfish.
Rich Vos: Divorce Sucks
Divorce sucks. Let me tell you, after five years of marriage, it is devastating to have the person with the good credit move out.
Whitney Cummings: Naked Photo Texts
I have girlfriends who will text message naked photos of themselves to their man. Which, I guess the whole point of that is, to be like, 'Here's what's waiting for you at home, big boy.' If I was to do a 'here's what's waiting for you at home' photo shoot, I would take some pictures of the frigging dishes, the bills right now. My vagina's not waiting for you at home at all.
Brian Regan: Einstein
They always say that Albert Einstein was a genius. Then how come when anyone ever calls you that, it's an insult? 'You don't know where you parked the car? Good job, Einstein.' I don't think we're honoring that man properly by using his name in vain in parking lots.
Dwayne Kennedy: Christmas Shopping
I tried to go Christmas shopping last year, but I didn't have no money. I just went window-shopping with a brick.
Lewis Black: Christian Calendar
Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer and longer. And you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It's unbelievable! How long does it take you people to shop? It's beyond belief. It's insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it!
Rich Vos: Christmas Decorations
People that put up Christmas decorations, all they're saying is 'Hey, we're not Jews.'
Kivi Rogers: Roller Skates
I went to my father. I said, 'Daddy will you buy me some roller skates for Christmas?' 'Buy? I'll make you some damn roller skates.' Christmas morning, I wake up to some homemade roller skates made out of platform shoes. Cheap ass didn't even get real skate wheels, just took some gold wheels off an old couch.
Demetri Martin: Christmas Wrapping
I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
Laura Kightlinger: Christmas Sadness
My grandmother, she passed away at Christmas time. So now, I have this built in sadness, you know, every holiday. 'Cause I'm plagued with the thought of, you know, what she would have given me. What didn't I get to open this year?
Juston McKinney: Scratch Tickets for Christmas
You know what my uncle gets me every year for Christmas? Scratch tickets. Thanks for making the decision to gamble away my Christmas gift for me.
Anthony Jeselnik: Christmas Gifts
This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance, 'Baby, all I want from you this year is an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox.' You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine -- because I got her an Xbox.
Michael Ian Black: Pills
I don't drink, and I don't do drugs, but I'll take a pill. I'll take any pill, you know what I mean? 'Cause pills can't hurt me! 'Cause they're made by companies.
Daniel Tosh: Sex With a Condom
She says to me during the act of lovemaking, 'Hey Daniel, what's it like having sex with a condom on?' And I'm like, 'How should I know?'
T.J. Miller: Drinking Mimosas
If you're drinking champagne at 8 a.m. you're an alcoholic, but if you add orange juice it's just an early brunch.
Amy Schumer: Worst Part About Drinking
You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When I'm drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.
Matt Braunger: Dove Made of Rainbows
When a woman has an orgasm, it's like a dove made of rainbows came into the room. It's awesome. Even other women are like, 'Aw, she's having a nice time; that's cool.' When a guy has an orgasm, it's like the devil himself tore off his own face and snakes are pouring out of his red skull. Like, no matter how smooth your love making technique as a man is, eventually, you're going to be Jerry Lewis getting electrocuted.
Aries Spears: Not a Millionaire
I'm at a very frustrating point in my career because I'm not a millionaire. Like, people assume because you're in movies or TV, you're rich. I'm not rich, but I'm far from broke. I'm what you call a 'thousandaire.'
Jeffrey Ross: You're Getting Fat When...
You know you're getting fat when you go to unbutton the top of your pants -- and you already did it.
Pete Holmes: I Love New York
There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that it's impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. Think about that, that's true. 'Cause you can hear anything, at any hour -- there's always something to blame it on.
T.J. Miller: Open Source Coding Joke
This area of Colorado, right around here in Boulder, has the highest cases of pedophilia per capita of anywhere else in Colorado. Did you know that? It's true; I read it in Wikipedia. I mean I put it in there, but I read it right after.
Carlos Mencia: Super-Fence
You know what they said in California? I saw it on C-Span -- people we vote for -- this is what they said, 'I propose that we kick all of the illegal aliens out of this country. Then we build a super-fence so they can't get back in.' And I went, 'Um, who's gonna build it?'
Daniel Tosh: Blaming the Amish
Am I the only person who blames global warming entirely on the Amish? Are they not a constant reminder of how awful life would be without all this great technology? Every time I want to cut back and conserve on natural resources, I just look at the Amish and I'm like, 'F**k that.'
Colin Quinn: New Yorkers Take a Compliment
You can always tell who was raised in New York by how they take a compliment when they're an adult. 'Nice haircut.' 'Screw you. What's wrong with it?'
Dane Cook: Dropping Your Phone in Your Own Piss
I'm in a new club, by the way. And I don't know if you're first timers like I am, but I'm in the 'I Just Dropped My Cell Phone In My Own Piss' Club. Have you done that? Yeah, good times. I'm on the phone and I forget that I'm using shoulder technique. Urinals were taken so I went in to use the regular john. And as I'm standing there, mid-conversation, I'm like 'Are you serious?' and it just started to toboggan right down my powerful chest.
Mike Birbiglia: Illiterate People
I shouldn't say bad stuff about illiterate people, though. I should write it.
Chelsea Peretti: Men and Women Fears
I read somewhere that men's biggest fear is that women will laugh at them. And women's biggest fear is that men will kill them. Kind of different stakes that we're working with. But that's why I don't make jokes during sex -- 'cause I think of stuff that I think would be funny all the time. But I just don't say it 'cause I don't want to be killed.
Tom Papa: Friends Over 30
Ask anybody over 30 -- if they tell you they have more than 10 friends, you know they're counting co-workers.
Patton Oswalt: New York vs. Amsterdam
It's really great to be in New York right now. This is a terrific city. But it does not hold a candle to Amsterdam. I went to Amsterdam last year... I was like Templeton the Rat in 'Charlotte's Web,' just running around, 'Oh, hookers and pot!'
Kumail Nanjiani: Racist Comebacks
Most of the people who are racist to me are white, and it's very tricky to try and be racist to white people. What am I going to be, like, 'Oh, I'm Kumar? Well, you're the lead in most movies that come out.'
Adam Ferrara: Love This Girl
The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me.
Bobby Miyamoto: On Vicodin
I'm on Vicodin right now 'cause I got my wisdom teeth pulled -- like, eight months ago.
